Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
