my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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