Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I am one with the molecules
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
