fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
