I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
