I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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