a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
