It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
