I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Your cock deserves a montage
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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