it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
