Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
