i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
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make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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