Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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