it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
