He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's official drugs can't kill me
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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