I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
