So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
