He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
