my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
