Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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