my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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