Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
