i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
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stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
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After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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