I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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