i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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