Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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