An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
