just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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