Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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