she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
