Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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