I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
