I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
