I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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