my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
