The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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