I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
