Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
