just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
high people should be assigned attendants
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
