Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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