If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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