did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
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