I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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