Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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