I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
