There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Randomize
