Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
