Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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