not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
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We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
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We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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