Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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