My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
