This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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