i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
