I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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