I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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